As each day passes on this mortal coil we call earth I despair with Him, if He is an example of mankind you best abandon all hope if He is anything to go by. Is it generic in bipods or has faith been unkind and struck a harsh blow to my lord and Master alone? If the latter, I ask you “what am I to do with the Plank”, there is no saving Him!
“W.A.L.K. and walkies!”
Let’s get a few things straight and out in the open right here, right new.... first and foremost I, we dogs, should I say can spell and understand every word you guys utter. We just choose not to tell all and sundry, but to keep it from the human world as we don’t need or want to be in the limelight anymore then we already are.
“W- A- L- K” and that other one “has anyone seen the L-E-A-D “are really patronising and thus we dogs treat both with the contempt they deserve. Our jumping up and down like a demented banshee on amphetamines while at the same time running around your feet in ever decreasing circles is not a sign of excitement. We are trying to get you humans to stop the rattling of chains’ or leads in mid air in a feeble and vain attempt to attract our attrition is ever so child like... there! I said it! I’ve got it off my chest
I am not a child nor, as He would have it “a puppy”, I am a fully grown up dog, albeit short in stature, but big in the ways of the world and canine life. He and all you guys are always acting in such a manner that in any other situation in your everyday life would have you locked up and the keys thrown away. Incrassation, mainly for His own safety would be the order of the day, so why do it to me... please cease!
While I am on my soap box, who in their right mind came up with “walkies”? Let’s see what the dictionary has to say, quote.... “an indication to a dog that you are going to take it for a walk!” I do despair, it’s me who takes Him out and about for His wellbeing, and I only tag along to make sure He keeps out of trouble and so I can call for help if he falls over AGAIN!
On a lighter note I had the place all to myself yesterday (Wednesday) except for the Lady next door popping in every so often to let me out into the back garden and feed me. It transpired His old friend John “C” had flown in from Toronto, Canada on his way to a holiday in Europe and was in town for the day.... Lucky me! :)
Yours always
Salvador
Thursday 28 January 2010
Thursday 21 January 2010
Get Thee behind me Satan!
There are times I despair with you bi-pods, you let us dogs out into the garden for us to do “things” and then forget all about the fact that; a) it’s cold outside, b) we don’t like the dark and c) dogs get very bored rigid ever so quickly when left alone for too long.
Distraction is the word I would like to blame for what happened next.......
Was it my fault that He left His rubbish bags on the decking and not in the wheelie bin a mere ten feet from the back door? Slovenliness untidy careless, call it what you will it was all His doing not mine, so why should I get the blame? If you leave a big bag full of exciting smells at the back door then “kick” your dog out into the path of temptation what do you expect. ...... Get Thee behind me Satan!
He was in the kitchen cooking, AGAIN! The Archers blaring away in the background on His all singing super duper DAB, that’s a Digital Audio Broadcasting radio to the uninitiated. He has no knowledge as to whether I was indoors or out; all that seemed to matter was the goings on in The Bull, Ambridge.
Ambridge! It’s a fictional village that has been hoodwinking the masses since time began or in human terms the early 50’s, the 1950’s that is. The Bull has never pulled a pint or severed a ploughman lunch EVER! I am getting really fed up at this point so start investigating the contents of one of the big black bags...
To see the contents of said bag needed me to open or should I say undergo exhaustive pawing from the side as opposed to undoing the knot at the top, we canines tend to fail on that front, but claws can rip a rubbish bag quicker than a rat up a drain pipe.
It was F.U.N. all the way, paper, plastic bottles and cartons, not forgetting six day old fish heads and bones all over the deck, getting into the groves in the boards, what wonderful smells. Then I hear His master’s voice... He’s calling me; the old fart is getting forgetful. “I am here, outside in the cold and dark you Muppet!”
“Step back Salvador, refute any suggestion or blame as to your part in the content of bag blowing all over His pride and joy” I tell myself. “A big fellow did it old boy and ran away!”
It’s not working; He can’t hear me with all His shouting. He’s deaf as well as daft! I ran to the lounge and hunkered down on my comfy armchair, the one with the three soft cushions, one big and two much smaller ones. The door bell goes and still the shouting goes on and on and on!
When will he give up? Kitchen! Kitchen! Kitchen! Does he not know any other words, when will he give it a rest? I don’t wish to go to the kitchen, I am quite happy here thank you.
Well in the end I moved to the “kitchen”, if only for a quite life but he is not talking to me. He isn’t a happy bunny, wonder why? What have I done, I can’t see what all the fuss is about? After all I was only investigating because I was bored.
Keeping my head down.
Savaldor
Distraction is the word I would like to blame for what happened next.......
Was it my fault that He left His rubbish bags on the decking and not in the wheelie bin a mere ten feet from the back door? Slovenliness untidy careless, call it what you will it was all His doing not mine, so why should I get the blame? If you leave a big bag full of exciting smells at the back door then “kick” your dog out into the path of temptation what do you expect. ...... Get Thee behind me Satan!
He was in the kitchen cooking, AGAIN! The Archers blaring away in the background on His all singing super duper DAB, that’s a Digital Audio Broadcasting radio to the uninitiated. He has no knowledge as to whether I was indoors or out; all that seemed to matter was the goings on in The Bull, Ambridge.
Ambridge! It’s a fictional village that has been hoodwinking the masses since time began or in human terms the early 50’s, the 1950’s that is. The Bull has never pulled a pint or severed a ploughman lunch EVER! I am getting really fed up at this point so start investigating the contents of one of the big black bags...
To see the contents of said bag needed me to open or should I say undergo exhaustive pawing from the side as opposed to undoing the knot at the top, we canines tend to fail on that front, but claws can rip a rubbish bag quicker than a rat up a drain pipe.
It was F.U.N. all the way, paper, plastic bottles and cartons, not forgetting six day old fish heads and bones all over the deck, getting into the groves in the boards, what wonderful smells. Then I hear His master’s voice... He’s calling me; the old fart is getting forgetful. “I am here, outside in the cold and dark you Muppet!”
“Step back Salvador, refute any suggestion or blame as to your part in the content of bag blowing all over His pride and joy” I tell myself. “A big fellow did it old boy and ran away!”
It’s not working; He can’t hear me with all His shouting. He’s deaf as well as daft! I ran to the lounge and hunkered down on my comfy armchair, the one with the three soft cushions, one big and two much smaller ones. The door bell goes and still the shouting goes on and on and on!
When will he give up? Kitchen! Kitchen! Kitchen! Does he not know any other words, when will he give it a rest? I don’t wish to go to the kitchen, I am quite happy here thank you.
Well in the end I moved to the “kitchen”, if only for a quite life but he is not talking to me. He isn’t a happy bunny, wonder why? What have I done, I can’t see what all the fuss is about? After all I was only investigating because I was bored.
Keeping my head down.
Savaldor
Thursday 14 January 2010
The Smell is Devine.
Thanks to the weather still stopping everything in its tracks I have had to put up with the old fart watching my every move, thus my rushing this communiqué, He is not going out doors as he fears falling over. Not so! It’s His inability to get up without much help once He has fallen, poor old sod. If only His type (humans) had four legs as opposed to only two, the chance of slipping let alone falling over are very slim to zero.
If there is anything is this world that we dogs go wild about is smells! We can smell more things than any other beings on this planet regardless of how miniscule the trace may be, we shall sniff it out. You can try and hide that bar of chocolate, we know where it is and pester you till we break your stubbiness and let us have a bit if not all of the goodies. Why do you give into to us is simple, the love we give you when we greet you with on your return home from a hard day’s work and as for those big brown eyes.... how can anyone resist? If all else fails there is the old fallback failsafe constant “pawing and whimpering”, (works for me).
There are two Ruby’s’ I love in this world, the first is my unrequited love for the redhead Spaniel in the house that backs onto our garden and then there is what my cockney Master calls a “Ruby Murray”. It’s hot I know, but boy the after burn in the mouth is a thrill to savour and the smells drive me to distraction. His lordship always makes far too much and thus I get a morsel or two chucked my way.
I tend, as you know to pour scorn on my Master for his silly little ways, however he does show an inspirational side, alas only in His cooking of Indian food.
Tonight’s menu is Tenderise Tandoori Brest of Chicken on a bed of saffron Basmati rice cooked in a homemade chicken stock. Bombay potato and garden pea Aloo with a Mushroom Bhaji side dish. Cannot wait!
Happy eating
Salvador
If there is anything is this world that we dogs go wild about is smells! We can smell more things than any other beings on this planet regardless of how miniscule the trace may be, we shall sniff it out. You can try and hide that bar of chocolate, we know where it is and pester you till we break your stubbiness and let us have a bit if not all of the goodies. Why do you give into to us is simple, the love we give you when we greet you with on your return home from a hard day’s work and as for those big brown eyes.... how can anyone resist? If all else fails there is the old fallback failsafe constant “pawing and whimpering”, (works for me).
There are two Ruby’s’ I love in this world, the first is my unrequited love for the redhead Spaniel in the house that backs onto our garden and then there is what my cockney Master calls a “Ruby Murray”. It’s hot I know, but boy the after burn in the mouth is a thrill to savour and the smells drive me to distraction. His lordship always makes far too much and thus I get a morsel or two chucked my way.
I tend, as you know to pour scorn on my Master for his silly little ways, however he does show an inspirational side, alas only in His cooking of Indian food.
Tonight’s menu is Tenderise Tandoori Brest of Chicken on a bed of saffron Basmati rice cooked in a homemade chicken stock. Bombay potato and garden pea Aloo with a Mushroom Bhaji side dish. Cannot wait!
Happy eating
Salvador
Thursday 7 January 2010
“Avert your eyes"
There I was having a well earned late morning dreaming of warmer days when His lordship decided to get up out of bed and feed the birds. I don’t mine but what with everything being all white and fluffy and ever so freezing cold under foot and other little parts of a dogs lower body parts. We were not bread for these adverse conditions!
“Avert your eyes, I’m warning you! “
I can understand Him wishing to feed those creepy winged characters of low moral standards taking up residence in my garden, but the sight of this odd shaped bi-pod dressed only in boxers and curry stains spuriously splattered on His tee shirt from last night’s take away is not for the faint hearted. Then there’s the matured slippers covering the feet, they have seen better days for what’s left of then and as foe the smell, even a strong stomached canine such as yours truly finds it hard to stand their stench at the best of times!
“It’s still snowing” you total burke!
How on earth does he think any self respecting feathered vertebrate is going to; a) locate the food and or, b) is daft enough to even think of leaving the warmth of their nest to go looking for scraps on a frozen patio table in 10” of snow and still falling. Forget “burke” and substitute “MUPPET”.
Hopefully the snow will be gone soon and I can get my well deserved rest and His total attention, after all snow and birds come and go but Salvador is here to stay.
Till we meet again same place next week!
Keep the sunny side up and the greasy side down Gang.
Yours
Salvador
“Avert your eyes, I’m warning you! “
I can understand Him wishing to feed those creepy winged characters of low moral standards taking up residence in my garden, but the sight of this odd shaped bi-pod dressed only in boxers and curry stains spuriously splattered on His tee shirt from last night’s take away is not for the faint hearted. Then there’s the matured slippers covering the feet, they have seen better days for what’s left of then and as foe the smell, even a strong stomached canine such as yours truly finds it hard to stand their stench at the best of times!
“It’s still snowing” you total burke!
How on earth does he think any self respecting feathered vertebrate is going to; a) locate the food and or, b) is daft enough to even think of leaving the warmth of their nest to go looking for scraps on a frozen patio table in 10” of snow and still falling. Forget “burke” and substitute “MUPPET”.
Hopefully the snow will be gone soon and I can get my well deserved rest and His total attention, after all snow and birds come and go but Salvador is here to stay.
Till we meet again same place next week!
Keep the sunny side up and the greasy side down Gang.
Yours
Salvador
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